Having a relationship with God became my deepest desire. But as they say, be careful what you wish for. Little did I know, I was soon going to be thrown into a relationship with God.
Sept. 19th 2008, at 2pm I sat down to eat my lunch. I had just experienced something magical only an hour before. While at a local New Age shop, I had placed my hands upon an enormous golden citrine crystal. Every cell in my body began vibrating profoundly. The energy of the crystal was beyond comprehension; it flooded me. The experience both frightened and thrilled me at the same time.
I was now sitting down to lunch after this exhilarating experience. After taking the first bite, the food got stuck in my throat. My throat had actually closed on a tomato. I could feel the sides of my throat collapsed on each other. I was going to die. Terror moved though me. My son has a peanut allergy so we have Epinephrine in the home. Certain I was going into anaphylactic shock, I reached for the Epi-pen. I prepared to inject it into my thigh and miraculously my throat opened. But the ‘damage’ was done. Rather than brush off the incident and move on, I fell down into a deep abyss of FEAR. In an instant, I had gone from feeling exhilarated by my experience with the crystal to thinking I was going to die. This rocked my world. It knocked me out of my orbit.
After the fall into the abyss, I stopped eating for fear that my throat would close again. Slowly over several days I was able to take in fluids and soup, but I was still in a state of trauma and deep fear. The incident had left my throat still constricted and I was afraid that it would completely close at any moment. It seemed as though death was looming over me. I would actually sit in my car in the hospital emergency room parking lot thinking this was it for me. Constant fear became a normal state for me. I was barely able to function, to get dressed, or leave the house. I would vomit every morning (for an entire year) because the stress in my body was so overwhelming my body had to expel it in some manner. Very few people knew what was going on inside of me. I was in my own abyss of fear and isolation. Over the next several years, I would go to many doctors who performed many medical tests with no real conclusions. I would spend thousands of dollars on energy workers, healers, mediums, and psychics who cleansed my aura, balanced my chakras, retrieved pieces of my Soul, removed entities, talked to the dead, revealed past lives, and so on. I spent thousands of dollars on healing crystals, tuning forks, self-healing books, and essential oils. I did Qigong, Reiki, Transcendental Meditation, Lifeline Technique, Sunpoint Healing, Master Sha’s Soul Healing, Maharishi Gem Therapy, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Theta Healing, and Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) and went to acupuncturists and chiropractors. Something or someone should be able to open up my throat! Apparently, it wasn’t meant to be.
I continued to suffer with little relief. Eating was still difficult and stressful. I felt completely imprisoned by the constriction in my throat and the fear that I could die at any moment. Sleep became an escape, but if I awoke in the night, the feeling in my throat often sent me into a panic. To top it off, during this time I also went through a difficult divorce, which tossed more fear into my life.
Little by little, I did begin to function again and get some semblance of a life back. Amidst the many healing sessions, I was developing a deeper faith in Source through books on spirituality and New Thought as well as attending Unity Church services. Spiritually enlightened people came into my life and became my role-models. Prayer and occasional meditation were making their way into my life. I was finally developing a belief system that resonated with me at my core. Aside from my children, my spiritual quest and connection became the most important thing in my life. I had been shoved into this relationship with God. Fear was not the means by which I intended on fostering this relationship, but it was what was handed to me.
It has been a very long climb out of the abyss (and the journey is not over yet). Despite the intense difficulty and overwhelming fear, I do hold gratitude in my heart for where this path has led me.
How has your life been changed as a result of your ordeal?
I know that I have been spiritually awakened and enriched. My struggles have allowed me to better understand other people’s pain and have given me insight to help them. The fall into the abyss facilitated a sacred connection to the divine. There are open-minded, spiritual people in my life who don’t think I am crazy when I talk about past lives or energy healing. I found ‘myself!’ Surrounding me is a wonderful community of people to share my thoughts and dreams with. The Unity Church continues to keep me ‘spiritually charged’. Through this journey, I discovered Qigong, an ancient Chinese healing art, and I am able to ‘radiate my light’ as an instructor/guide in this healing modality. Life is filled with blessings and I am grateful. I can say I believe in a ‘higher power’ and know it as TRUTH. The universe is filled with miracles, you and I being many of them. Life is beautiful (even when it seems like it’s not).
What would you advise another facing similar circumstances based on what you have learned?
So often the only time you reach out to God is when you are in fear. Some would never have reached out to God if it weren’t for fear. You can even subconsciously bring fear into your life as a means to develop a relationship with God; a path to the divine. After awakening to the presence of God, build upon that relationship during times of love, grace, beauty, and gratitude in your life. Move through your day, with an awareness of God’s love and support. Don’t depend on fear to develop and strengthen your relationship with Source.
Seek a relationship with God before you NEED a relationship with God to get you through your challenges. If that divine relationship is already in place you will be better equipped to move through difficult and painful circumstances in your life.
Set your day in motion by telling God what your intentions are. Clarify with yourself and God that you are entering your day from a place of love, peace, and radiance. Try to pray just after waking in the morning. Prayer is an uplifting way to start the day and set creative energy in motion. You may declare very specific intentions such as ‘I will not take anything personally,’ which is one of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Or ‘I will live today from a place of love not fear.’ You may even want to write down a sentence or two about your intention. Your intention is a part of your prayer. Ask Source to support you in this endeavor and guide you along the way. If you do not have a specific statement, you may wish to choose a word that resonates with you to be your intention. That word describes you, at your best, such as blissful, dazzling, carefree, forgiving, glowing, serene, loving, creative, jubilant, radiant, joyful, giving, honest, peaceful, compassionate, or sincere. Decide to embody ‘your word’ for that day as your intention. Choose to hold the vibration of the word.
Bring Gratitude into your prayers. Gratitude can transform your life in and of itself. Regular practice of gratitude can rewire your brain to create more automatic patterns of positive thought. Experiencing gratitude is soothing and uplifting. It is an emotion of connectedness, reminding you of your connection with all living things. Gratitude is the path to joy. There cannot be true joy without gratitude. It allows you to SEE the blessings in your life. It opens and warms your heart. Without gratitude you become blind and numb to life’s beauty and joy. Don’t wait for gratitude, it is a choice. Be grateful now; don’t be grateful when… when you get that job… when you meet the right person… when you buy that house… when you are healthy…
Pray with gratitude, even in despair. Your darkest hours may be the most important time to go to Source with gratitude. Have gratitude that God will get you through the desperation, the pain. Have gratitude for the blessings in your life, now. A prayer of gratitude can be as simple as “Thank You, God.” Try not to go to Source with complaints; go with appreciation, love and faith. That does not mean you cannot speak of your disappointments, needs, and desires. Complaining makes you a victim, powerless. Know that you are a co-creator with Source and hold the faith that together you will get through your difficulties.
Thank you – Would you please tell us a bit about yourself?
I am too quickly approaching the age of 50, but feel more grateful and connected to life than ever. Vero Beach has been my home since 2001 and I just love it here. Wisconsin is where I grew up and went to College. I studied Mathematics which is a far cry from my current creative endeavors in Qi Gong, Feng Shui, and art. I am blessed with two delightful teenage boys.
