As a Junior in an all girls Catholic high school, I made a decision to not let fear stop me from trying out for what I want in life. Don’t get me wrong. I made the decision all right, but I didn’t always act on it. What’s true is that something changed in me that day. I awakened to what I was doing to myself–or, better said, what I was allowing my fear to do.
The saga starts with our Junior Class play. It was a time-honored tradition and the event of the year in my school.
Try-outs were held on a Saturday and, wanting to feel like I belonged and was a part of something bigger than myself, I decided, despite butterflies in my stomach to go try-outs that day. None of the girls I hung out with went. So, that interminable bus ride and long walk from the stop to my school was more than enough to raise schools of butterflies in my stomach.
As our drama teacher, Miss Davis, called out each part one by one, I didn’t move. I told myself, “No, not that one, wait for the next one.” But, with each successive part, I sat. I watched and watched and, now crippled by fear, walked out. Actually, I tried to sneak out, hoping and praying that no one would notice.
I made a decision on the long, lonely way to the bus stop that I would not let fear stop me again from trying out for what I want in life. It was a decision that I had to make many times after that day.
What were the most difficult aspects of the change?
As far back as I can remember I was afraid–of almost everything. The decision that day began a journey that I still walk. I took jobs that I knew would help me overcome fears, like fear of rejection.
What help, if any, did you get along the way?
What I noticed after that decision, is synchronous events. An English teacher invited me, out of the blue, to be editor of the school newspaper. I said yes and on graduation night, I got an award for excellence.
Out of the blue, I was also nominated for class office in my senior year.
My decision seemed to magnetize supportive events and opportunities.
What positive results did you have?
I have freedom! I grew in courage to try new things. In fact, I have always wanted to make music but didn’t think I would be able to play an instrument. An opportunity to play in a seniors band came along and I rented a clarinet and joined. Each week I get to feel the joy of making music.
How has your life been changed as a result of your ordeal?
I have been changed a lot as a result of not letting my fear continue to isolate me from others and life.
What would you advise another facing similar circumstances based on what you have learned?
Follow your heart and your bliss. Make decisions that move you forward to the life you love.
